Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your March Madness brackets are busted and the bookies are coming after you already. Start selling plasma and sperm now to raise some emergency funds.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Spring is slowly showing its face and all the twitterpated animals are starting to rub off on you. Enjoy yourself, but don’t go overboard. Get some help if you start humping people’s legs.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be extremely lucky this week. Play the lottery and enter every contest you can.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Unfortunate clumsiness will result in a few injuries for you this week. Stock up on peroxide and Band-Aids.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
You’ll be overly emotional this week. Bite your tongue to avoid saying things you’ll regret later.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
When traveling this week, expect major delays. You’d better leave early if you expect to get anywhere on time.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Take a little time for some relaxation. You’ve been pulled in too many directions lately and need to just chill out.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Your sense of humor usually goes over well with others regardless of what your jokes are about. However, this week you’ll offend somebody with what would normally be a totally innocuous topic. Be ready for retribution.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
A romantic night with your significant other will rejuvenate your recently “blah” attitude. If you’re unattached, a dinner date with one of your friends of the opposite sex will result in some mildly romantic after meal activities.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Being accident prone is going to be a killer for you this week. Keep your hands away from expensive items or you’re bound to break them.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’ll be quite the go-getter this week. You might surprise yourself with how much activity you’ll get into this week.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
It’s been a long semester for you and you’ve learned many lessons about yourself. Be sure to cherish the small things in life. They aren’t insignificant, just small.